Friday, February 29, 2008

Do Butterflies Have Butts?

(I overheard Analese asking Greg this so seriously as he was helping her get ready for bed. It definitely made our night!)

Sorry it has taken me so long to post this week. All of my late studying and sleepless nights are catching up with me, and I had to take a break. I took a few days off of all things computer-related, which definitely helped me get over the feelings of burn-out that were starting to emerge. (Which is a good thing, since I just spent the weekend back on the computer, studying away!)

But I am starting to realize that I just cannot keep going on at this pace, especially as the pregnancy progresses. My workload has been especially tough, and I have to try and figure out a way to achieve my goals without completely killing myself. That is my goal over the next few weeks, and I really hope to find a solution soon. Any "free-time" I have goes to studying, and yet I feel like I just keep slipping further behind.

I feel like my whole life is falling behind, if that makes any sense.

So, anyway, my doctor's appointment went well. I knew I had gained weight this month, but was shocked to learn that I had gained SEVEN pounds! Yikes. I am not one to really worry about my weight, as I have always been underweight my whole life. But the seven pounds does bother me. I think it has more to do with me being stressed and not being able to exercise as much as I normally would. It makes me feel very frumpy, and I cannot wait for better weather so the girls and I can go walking on the trails and hiking through the woods. It brings a smile to my face just thinking about it!
I also learned that I tested positive again for the Group B Strep Infection. I was negative with Analese and positive with Mara, requiring me to have antibiotics during labor. They usually do not test you until the end of your pregnancy, but I thought I had a UTI last month and was tested. My doctor told me that I would need to have meds again at this labor, but I further researched this and saw that there is a chance I will test negative later on. Let's hope this is the case! I hate the thought of exposing my baby to antibiotics right away, and wonder if this could have contributed to all of Mara's digestive issues, since it wiped out all of her good flora (but then I also have lots of different theories as to why Mara has so many food issues!)

My appointment was scheduled at 2:15, right when the girls were due for a nap. Never again. They made it through most of the appointment OK, just a few tears from Analese. Then afterwards, out in the waiting room, meltdowns began. I had to schedule my next appointment, and Analese started demanding something out of my bag....foot stomping and everything! Things like that do not embarrass me-it gave those waiting some entertainment :) The receptionists thought it was hysterical, especially when she hissed " I DON"T LIKE YOU TALKING TO PEOPLE!"

Our next appointment will be first thing in the morning.

We then had our ultrasound the next day. The girls were so excited. Our technician was new, so we unfortunately ended up being there for over an hour. One hour in a small, dark room was a bit too much for them, but they entertained themselves very nicely. At first I tried hard to just concentrate on the screen, to focus on this little one dancing around wildly. But the giggles next to me kept pulling me in, and my focus was diverted many times to my silly monkeys tickling each other's toes. It's funny, at first I felt bad about this, like I was once again putting this baby to the side. I think that is my biggest fear with adding number three into our family....that someone is going to get slighted. I worry about what kind of mother I will be....will I still be able to focus on each child and give them the attention they need and deserve? My biggest fear is that I will fail, because if I fail, I will have failed them. That is just so scary to me.

There has been a lot floating around in my head lately, and I think I really just needed to take some time and figure out what exactly I am fearing. I am so excited to meet this baby, there are no fears about that. I think it comes down to balancing it all, and being successful at it. This has been on my mind a lot lately, but this week also helped me see things a bit more clearly. I have been so worried that I just would not have time to give everyone the one-on-one they need. But then, I started to pick up the simple moments happening throughout our week. Like the time Mara and I sat and waited for the washing machine to complete its cycle. It supposedly had "one minute"left, yet we probably sat in front of it for almost 10. We giggled each time it slowed down, only to begin spinning once again. She sat in my lap, and we cuddled on the floor of our laundry room. A perfect moment.

And the time Analese and I sat whispering to each other in her room while Mara was asleep. She couldn't sleep and wanted me to rub her head...and then kept remembering that she had to tell me something.
These are the moments that remind me that it will be OK. We'll find our time, I have to trust that.

And last but not least, here is the latest shot of our baby! This little one was moving throughout the entire ultrasound, so she had a difficult time getting photos.

It amazes me just how much I can see Mara right here. I wanted to find Analese and Mara's ultrasound photos to compare, but I'll have to save that for another post!

I have two awards to acknowledge and give away-hopefully I will get to that tomorrow.

Hope you all had a good weekend!


Maja said...

Oh my gosh, so precious! What a great shot, and I definitely see Mara in the baby too! I can't believe how far along you are already... July is approaching so quickly. I hope you can find a way to get through your school term without going too crazy; I do not envy you right now. :(

Mama Zen said...

I don't think that we ever truly balance it all. You just take those moments as they come. You WILL be fine!

Chris said...

Julie--I have no infinite wisdom here, but, having 4 of my own and having the same worries as you; I've learned through the years that you need to mellow and take each moment you get with each of your kids. I used to worry about everything you mentioned, especially after Mitchell was born, and I would cry every day worried that I would forget him at home when we were running behind...or forget him in the store at the checkout counter. But, you know what? I never did (o.k. I almost forgot him at home ONCE!)....and look at him now, he's my most organized, helpful, sweet child out of the bunch. Nobody is a perfect Mom, and we should never try to be. The girls and I laugh at my past blunders now, and we've really learned a thing or two about just being human.
Your children will know that you love them more than anything--and that you are, and will be, there for them when they need you. You're doing the best you can...and it's pretty darn good if you ask me! Your kids are very lucky to have you as their Mom...just take one day at a time, and try not to worry too much about the future. It'll drive you crazy if you do. Have confidence....YOU ARE AWESOME!!!

Following Forward said...

AW!! Thanks for sharing that precious picture! I am lifting up prayers for you to find that much needed solution! :)

Corey~living and loving said... I read your whole post....but I am unable to get past the title. tee hee....that is hilarious.

oh and congrats on the healthy baby in your belly. :)

Peace is every step said...

What a cute baby in the belly (PS we need belly photos)!

I love the things that come out of little one's mouths.

I hear you on the worrying about fitting it all in-I agree with mama zen in that it just doesn't seem possible to evenly balance it all--but that's the too-high expectations we place on our Mama-selves isn't it? One day at a time, it will fall into place naturally and gradually.

Lorrie said...

Love the baby picture! Glad to hear everything is going smoothly~yes, we need belly shots!!
Love the title, as well (:
And I agree with everyone else in that you just take things day to day and you give each child the time they need when they need it-some days one child needs more of your time and the next it will be another child. I always tell my three, that there is only one of me and 3 of'll figure it out and you will be fine. You are feeling overwhelmed now with school and thinking of adding one more thing to the mix seems overwhelming. But once the baby comes, you'll be done with school and you have more time (: Hang in there, it all works out!

Lizzy in the Burbs said...

Hi, Julie!

Your worries are understandable, I think as mothers we always worry about if we're being fair with our attention, although, if your girls are anything like my boys, they will let you know if something is not "fair"! :-) It will all balance out.

The ultrasound picture is precious! Those images always amaze me. So glad that all is well and you and baby are healthy! Maybe you should be tested for the strep again closer to delivery? It can't hurt, all it would do is confirm it, right? I don't blame you for not wanting the shot if it isn't necessary, I wouldn't either.

Take care, and I hope you're able to relax and rest!